Bucking the System

So I found out today I have the Loudest Lunchbox Zipper In the World. It's probably the loudest zipper period, but if I just put "loudest zipper in the world" some minds will go straight to the crotch. Unfortunately I made this discovery at the start of my day in my ultra-quiet cubicle. To put you in the proper mind frame, imagine trying to open and eat a bag of potato chips at the library. You slowly tear open the top, the screeching plastic ripping apart, only slightly masked by the half-hearted cough you let out to try and cover it. Then take the chips, and one by one put them in your mouth. Of course you have to struggle to get your lips closed so the crunching sound will be somewhat muffled. All the while everyone around you knows exactly what your doing and the only thing you've accomplished with this charade is to make yourself look both like a jerk and an idiot.

So that was a great way to start my day. You may be asking why I, a grown man of...some age would be bringing a lunchbox to work. Well I'll tell you. While 99% of the blogs I have read have decided they are going against the norm and not starting a diet this year (FYI, 99% would probably be considered the norm, I don't know where ya'll got your math skills), I've decided to fight this trend by going with the other supposedly more prevalent trend of starting a diet.

Yeah, that's right. I'm a guy, and I'm dieting. After all, swimsuit season is just around the corner. But seriously, I'm fat. Fattie McGee ain't got nothin' on me. There are things that jiggle on me long after the ride has stopped. After serving this country by living in a tropical paradise for a few years, I got out to a life of decadence and sedentariness (it's a word, I looked it up). It has slowly been catching up to me over the years, until finally I breathlessly arrived at my desk one day to realize that walk up the single flight of stairs was hard.

So no more soda or fast food for me. And since everything here at work more or less falls into one of those two categories, I have been relegated to ranks of schollchildren everywhere, with a pretty new red lunchbox with an incredibly loud zipper. Well, it's actually 2 zippers, but I only use one of them and open my lunchbox halfway, which forces me to try and shimmie several oddly shaped lunch-type objects out throughout the day. Oh, I forgot that part. Part of my diet is to eat several small meals a day. So I'm not just ripping into this sucker around noon. Oh no. This goes on all day long. I feel such pity for those who sit around me.