What To Do...

So I have a couple of options open to me. Thanks to the G.I. Bill (and all you lovely tax payers) I can go to any university I want. It's all paid for. A woo hoo. I'm nearly done with all the classes I can take at the handy dandy community college just up the street, so I'm going to have to be moving on to the big bad university next semester. Unfortunately, the school I want to attend doesn't do night classes, what with the cash cow masters program taking up all those slots.

I had resigned myself to attending a more accommodating but less prestigious institution, when I spoke to a friend of mine who shared that his boss was a kind man willing to adjust his work week to make certain days available for school, thus making the dream of big university study a reality. Well it occurred to me that my boss is a kind man, and would no doubt be equally willing to make such an opportunity available to me as well.

The downside: My boss isn't my boss anymore. He was recently offered a position in another department, leaving his job unfilled. As the next level of management is on another continent, there really isn't anywhere I can go to present my case for an alternate work schedule. So, hurray for not having a boss, but now how do I make this happen?

I don't want to bother my old boss, as he can't really do anything anyway, and I'm concerned that when they do finally fill his position, the first thing I say to my new boss shouldn't be, "Hey, nice to meet you, can I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off for the next year?" I guess it's not the end of the world to attend the other college. Plenty of people have gone there and gotten more than adequate degrees. I just don't want to regret not taking full advantage of the opportunities available to me.

Man, this post is kind of a downer. Anybody know any good bathroom jokes?

Curse You, Aqua Scum!!!

So if you hadn't already guessed it, I'm LDS, aka Mormon. Yeah yeah, I know, big surprise. I didn't say it before now because I didn't want this to be yet another Mormon blog, or worse yet another Mormon subversive blog. Maybe subversive is too strong a word, but you know those blogs where the writer's intent is to show just how off the beaten path they are, how non-conformist they are, or whatever.

Well I'm coming out to address something that has been bothering me. I've noticed that despite a moratorium on all things vulgar from anyone over the age of 17, there seems to be a pervasive need to hold on to the more truculent version of the word "urine".

Now I wasn't raised in the church, but the house I was raised in was extremely religious, and that word was just as acceptable as any other reference to excrement or where such excrement came from (how is it I always seem to manage to bring it back around to poop? I swear I'm not doing it on purpose). At the time (and even now) it didn’t particularly bother me, it just stands out as a holdover from the days when such putrescence would spill from my mouth like the cargo from one of Exxon's many dubiously piloted tankers.

Now there were worse words. The taking of the Lord's name in vain, coupled with beaver-related building, would get you smacked across the room. Also any attempt to discuss copulation in anything short of scientific terms would be the quickest route to a sore backside.

The beaver building by itself, donkey-related chats, dog talk (mainly female), or words to describe body parts that weren't often used to describe body parts would get you a stern talking to or maybe a smack just out of a need for consistency, but I feel like they weren't necessarily on the watchlist quite the way the others were. Honestly all the rest were in a happy little cesspool of depravity, hovering just above your sucks and crap, etc.

Of course I’ve made the argument and will continue to do so that any word said in anger is just as bad as another. It’s the intent that the word expresses that is foul, not the word itself. Just as I can dam a bridge, Joseph could lead the ass carrying Mary, and I don’t want to go to hell when I die, those words when said as an expletive would be strictly forbidden from or around my children. By the same token if they said “FUDGE ME” or “GO TO HECK” or “THAS SOME BULL SHIZZ” I will be just as quick to punish them as if they’d said the word they were attempting to subvert. Many of my friends and family do this constantly and then claim they don’t curse, but I don’t really see the difference.

What A Great Idea! #9

Okay, so no counter space is a problem. We've all dealt with it. You're in a tiny, cramped apartment with a microscopic kitchenette that you can barely fit 2 people in sideways. So how can you make more room? Well, I had an idea. What if, instead of filling your counter with jars of baking needs (flour, sugar, etc.), you had a dispenser attached to the wall that, with a press of a button or a turn of a knob, could measure out an exact amount of that particular ingredient?

Now there are a number of ways to accomplish this. It could be a mechanical measurement, like some sort of wheel located in the throat of the dispenser that was the size of say a teaspoon or quarter cup, and you just turn the wheel to get to the amount you need. Another option is an electronic system. You would only need a small keypad where you could enter the desired amount and the system could open the dispenser for a specific amount of time to match that amount.

This idea solves 2 big problems. First, the space saving I talked about earlier. Now you may not put a bunch of ingredient jars out on your counter, but you have them somewhere, and wherever they are they are taking up room. And if they're not on the counter, then you have to dig around looking for them every time you want to use them. This puts them conveniently at hand but out of the way. Second, it's an end to measuring cups. At least for dry goods. No more worrying if you got the measurement right, and that many less dishes to wash. All the way around a good thing.

Another benefit, maybe not that big of a deal, is if the dispensers are clear, you always know how much of whatever it is you have left. With just a glance you know to add flour to the grocery list, instead of getting ready to bake those cupcakes for your son's Halloween party that he told you about the day before, only to find you have to make a late night run to the store because when you opened up your Tupperware container you saw it was empty.

And the marketing possibilities are endless. Various sizes, from the newlywed size for those just learning to cook, to the SAHM of 5 who needs the industrial size, to the professional chef who REALLY needs the industrial size. Not to mention a whole line of mini-sizes for frequently used spices with smaller measurements, since odds are against you needing a quarter cup of cumin for anything.

Also, they should have some sort of easy fill funnel that comes with them, since they'll be up against the wall and that will make refills difficult. Maybe even a plastic membrane that covers the top, with a small stretchy hole that you can fit the funnel or can of spice into but will maintain a seal. Because trying to pour spices or really any dry good like that will create quite a cloud.

Tax Return

Never before has having money actually sucked. I don't know what to do with my tax return. Obviously I'm going to pay down some of my massive debt. And of course the car repairs that I have desperately needed will get done. The problem is, what do I do with the rest of it?

I can't bring myself to put it all toward the Gold Card, because then what am I working for? There has to be tangible benefits to so many long hours at the office (yes, yes, other than wife, kid, house, car blah blah blah). To me, this isn't one of those situations where you do the "sensible" thing. Yawn. I have a budget, with everything accounted for and my credit card debt all but gone sometime in 2013. I want to focus on now.

I thought about getting a concealed hand gun license, cuz what's the point of owning a gun if you can't secretly carry it around and feel superior to everybody? Of course if I did that, then my wife would probably want one, and if I did that then I'd have to get her a gun too. Not to mention the holsters and loose-fitting shirts required for proper concealment.

Then I thought about using it for a down payment on a second car, but that has a whole string of problems associated with it as well. Yet another monthly payment, possible increase in insurance, not to mention giving my wife mobility. I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with that (Kidding, kidding honey, put the gun away).

There's always a nice vacation. A cruise, a resort stay, a cross-country easy-rider-esque jaunt that hopefully doesn't involve drug-induced hallucinations and death by redneck. (What happened to you, Dennis Hopper? You used to be cool, man.) The only problem with that line of thought is when would I go. Between a full time job and 5 college classes, there aren't too many opportunities for travel. (See what I did there? Totally snuck in more bragging. Betcha didn't even notice. Okay, you probably did. I'm sorry.) Sure, I could go during spring break, but that's when everybody else is going. So unless I want to go to Wichita, KS, odds are against me finding anything cheap or drunk topless coed-free.

Is a puzzlement (name that movie). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.