What a Great Idea! #5

"Honey, where are the pants I was just wearing yesterday?"

"I put them in the hamper. I thought they were dirty.You left them laying on the floor."

"But I only wore them for a couple of hours yesterday. They're still okay to wear."

Does this sound familiar? Well have no fear folks, because I have the solution. I'm talking about the Almost Dirty™. (Okay, it's not really trademarked, but I thought it would look cooler that way. Of course, I've kind of ruined that with this long parenthetical explanation.) The Almost Dirty is a handy little device to help separate out those clothes that just haven't reached the level of ripe required for cleaning.

It's a fairly simple design, with hooks and baskets that hang discreetly out of the way on the wall, so when you take off those bumming-around-the-house shorts at the end of the day, you'll know right where they'll be the next day. It comes in several different configurations. As a wall unit, a stand alone, and even one that can hang in your closet (though that won't get much use from men).

No longer will men complain about not having that shirt that they just took off. No more will wives complain that they're husbands dirty clothes are all over. With the Almost Dirty, everybody wins!

I don't have a picture or design drawn up, but essentially it's a coat rack with some bars that hang parallel to the wall for pants, and some baskets underneath for the stuff from your pockets, or socks (if you're one of those weirdos who wears a pair of socks more than once), or whatever. The stand alone version is a free-standing coat rack, with an octagonal "halo" that pants can hang from, as well as a basket ring about halfway down.

Other options are a progressive chart, marked with smiley faces, that indicate how long the clothes have been there. If it's 2 days old, hang it on this hook, if it's 5 days old hang it on that one. The faces can progress from happy to vomiting. Kind of like the pain chart at the doctor's office, only with smells.

Oh, the Voices

I have got to stop using the radio to wake me up in the morning. Or at the very least, put a better station on than the one I have now. All day yesterday I was hearing a rock-and-roll version of Taylor Swift's Love Story, and now I can't get Kelly friggin Clarkson out of my head. Of course, now that I'm talking about it, Taylor Swift is back. "This love is difficult, but it's a reee-eal." Sigh. Yeah, cuz she has it sooo hard.

What a Great Idea! #4

While I haven't stated this before, I feel it necessary to say that if any of these posts have already been thought of, feel free to mock and deride me to your heart's content.

This week's idea is motivated by by hatred of all things cat. Namely, their litter boxes. I'm sorry, but what possible reason could I have to debase myself enough to clean up the defecation and urination of a fellow human, let alone a lower life form?

Now before the hate mail starts coming, I know there are plenty of people who make their living doing just that. My point is that my pride, coupled with my disgust of all forms of excrement (mixed with a little germaphobia), makes it impossible for me to ever do such a job.

My invention is a simple one. All it takes is a valve to divert water from the toilet, and a hose that drapes over the bowl of a toilet. You partially fill a completely enclosed dome with washable pellets, and allow the cat to "have at it". Once the aforementioned feline exits the contraption, the entrance closes, and something akin to a wash cycle takes place, in which any matter left by the cat is liquefied and exits with the water, and the pellets stay in place.

Of course it's an imperfect system, since there would have to be a filter of some kind on the exit tubing to keep the pellets in, and that filter would no doubt have to be changed or at least cleaned periodically, but it would significantly reduce the interaction between you and cat poop. Which is my ultimate goal in life.

Ahhh, Bureaucracy

I work in an engineering environment. I am not an engineer, but I am a member of the, I guess you could call it the support staff. We are in the same building as the people who manufacture the things the engineers engineer. Until recently, I was one of the people doing the manufacturing. I guess you could say I switched sides.

When you are in manufacturing, and you come across a problem with a design, or have an idea on how to make a design better, you have to submit it in writing to the engineering staff. Then they review it, and if they agree, they implement the change. Sounds simple enough, right? Okay, sounds simple enough and boring, right?

Wrong. At least, on the simple part. This process can take up to 9 months. For something as simple as changing from Phillip's head screws to Flathead screws. That's because something like 15 different people have to see it before it can get approved. Some of them even get to see it twice. And the best part is, you get almost no feedback when you submit one of these change requests. So you just have to sit back, twiddle your thumbs, and hope for the best.

I used to be one of the submitters. Now I'm one of the 15. It's interesting, how being on the other side can change your perspective sometimes. Seeing what the other half has to go through can make a big difference on your opinion of how things work.

Not that that's the case this time. This time, now having seen both sides of the issue, it turns out my first impressions were right. The 15 are just a bunch of guys who don't really care about the manufacturing people, and unless they get poked (preferably with a sharp stick) they just sit on stuff, sometimes until they die.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "But Nook, aren't you one of the 15 now? Couldn't you be the change you want to see in others?" And you'd be right. I could. But it's a lot easier to just sit on stuff like everybody else. Besides, I don't want to be the one guy who does everything really well.

That has 2 negative impacts. One, everybody will start looking dirty at me and give me the really hard shoulder bump which is just mean and hurts a lot, because I'm showing them up and potentially pointing out the fact that they aren't doing their job. Second, the reward for a doing your work well is typically more work.

See, management types don't like having to ask their employees 5 times a day, "Did you get this done yet? When are you going to get this done? Why didn't you get this done by the time you just told me you would have it done?" So when they find that special guy who can work independent of supervision and really gets things done, they load him up. Also, they try their best to hide him from the world, so no one else finds out about him and tries to promote him.

Of course, I'm saying him in the gender non-specific sense, since everybody knows that those management types would prefer a woman over a man, since they could pay her less.

What a Great Idea! #3

Yeah, I know, I missed Monday. If there's one thing you learn about me through this process, it's that I don't do deadlines. I'll never work for a newspaper, or a restaurant, or an organ delivery service. I'm just not that guy. But anyway, here's the latest.

Okay, this one is short. I think that whenever Corona beer stops using the dumb relaxing-on-a-beach-without-showing-any-faces/one lone palm tree lit up with Christmas lights from 1982 as their advertising campaign, they should buy the rights to the song "My Sharona" and change it to my "My Corona".

Also Not That Bad

I meant to have these out this weekend, but stuff came up, I have a life, maybe you should get one, whatever. Here's the rest of them. Enjoy.

13. I have traveled to 20 countries on 4 different continents over the course of 9 years and I can't find a single picture of me in front of a single significant landmark or monument that would prove that I have visited any of those places. Okay, that was bragging, but I snuck it in there, so it doesn't count.

14. I cannot juggle. I have tried to learn on several different occasions, but for some reason I just can't get the rhythm or the timing down. I don't think it's my coordination, because I'm pretty good at some other stuff like hacky-sack and such, but juggling eludes me.

15. I am the worst chess player I have ever met. I am so bad it's scary. I was about 18 years old, and I taught my 10 year old cousin how to play, and he beat me on the following game(s) . One chess program I played had a myriad of computer opponents, starting with "the king" and "the queen" as the most difficult opponents and continuing on through the whole royal court until you got to the easiest character, the street urchin. The street urchin kicked my butt, every single time.

16. I used to collect everything. Keychains, matchbooks, t-shirts, buttons, dice, shot glasses, sunglasses, hats, bouncy balls, hacky sacks, puzzles. You name it, it seemed like I had a group of them stashed somewhere in my room. Then one day I just didn't see the point anymore. I still have some of the stuff I used to collect somewhere, in case any of you have any of those collections. I'll be happy to send it to you. If I can find it.

17. I think the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is one of the truest things anyone has ever said. I'm glad I have gained most of the knowledge I have, but there are somethings in this world I wish I never knew about. Like skorts. Who the $%@#* came up with skorts? Seriously people.

18. I sometimes take the digits in a number, like a phone number, and subtract and add to them until they are all even. For instance, if presented with the phone number 932-5718, I would take 2 from the 9 and add it to the 3, then take 2 from the 9 and add it to the 2, which would give me 554-5718. Then I would take 1 from the 7 and add it to the 4, and take 1 from the 7 and add it to the 1. Then I would take 3 from the 8 and add it to the 1. That would give me 555-5555. I don't know why I started doing it, but I can't seem to stop, and I get very excited when I find a number that works out like my example where they are all even.

19. I never liked the taste of coffee. I don't drink it anymore, but when I did I never had any that was any good. I would always put mounds of sugar and creamer in it, or buy from Starbucks as a venti mocha half caf crappacino (or however you spell it) and call that coffee. But just a straight up, black cup of coffee always turned my stomach.

20. Same thing with liquor. Any kind of liquor straight is just awful. If you dress it up with fruit juices or soda it isn't as bad, but I just never liked the taste of any of them. I always feel like the story of the emperor's new clothes when I talk about stuff like this, like there's no way anyone else could actually like these things, but they act like they do just so they fit in. No, I'm not too full of myself. Why do you ask?

21. I hate not knowing where phrases come from, like "Apple of my eye" or "Dead Ringer". Why do we say these things? It really bothers me sometimes. Okay, it bothers me all the time. So sue me.

22. I really really like owning a gun. I don't know why, because I never felt like I was in danger before I got married. But now I am constantly thinking about the evils that lurk right outside my door. Especially while I'm at work and my wife and infant daughter are at home. I know if a bad man wanted to do bad things in my home, a wooden door probably wouldn't stop him. I feel fairly certain 13 rounds of 9 millimeter ammunition center mass would do the trick though.

23. I don't know squat about home maintenance or car maintenance. My wife's uncle, who works in air conditioning, had to tell me to change my air filters more than once a year (I apparently had the kind that needed to be changed monthly). He told me this while he replaced the part of my air conditioner that had been fried. Actually, that was about 3 months ago, and I don't think I've changed my filters since. Hmm.

24. I play games on my phone while I go to the bathroom. I used to think that was gross, handling something you held up to your face while you do...that. But I came up with a system that ensures no cross-contamination. Honestly, I think if I could find a way, I would just spend all my time playing tetris. I mean, it's tetris. Who doesn't like tetris?

25. I never wanted to be a writer when I was a kid. There were dozens of potential jobs out there that I aspired to throughout my childhood (though rarely with any real zeal (hey, that rhymes, cool)), but never anything to do with writing. I hated writing in school. Too many rules, too much research. Then I got to college and it was like a whole new world opened up for me. I started to enjoy it. I still don't want to do it forever, but it is kind of fun sometimes.

So that's a little about me. Some of you may have found it interesting, most of you probably just skimmed. I get it. I can be a bit wordy. It's just what I happen to come up with and then bring forth, similar to how an infant will bring forth their recently ingested milk when they aren't feeling well.

What a Great Idea! #2

So here we are, the second installment of my new weekly post. I know how riveting my diatribe on TV advertising was, so I'll be hard-pressed to top that (my big fat fingers slipped and made me type hard-opressed; just thought that was funny). But I think I've succeeded.

I've been puzzling over this one for years now, ever since my military days. There is a big problem with keeping soldiers cool when they are in certain situations. They have a lot of body armor they have to wear in combat, not to mention the everyday guard positions that all military personnel are forced to participate in at some point or another. This is true for for other professions as well, like policemen and firefighters who wear heavy uniforms. Also, those who participate in most sports, as well as your every day outdoorsman.

My solution to this problem was the water shirt. The water shirt is a article of clothing with semi-rigid tubing sown into it that wraps around the body. That tubing has a regulated flow of water pumped through it to assist in cooling the body, much the same way a heat exchanger works.

My idea is to then connect the tubing to a small fan pack worn on the hip that will have a set of fans similar to those used in laptops. These fans will pass air over the water as makes a couple of loops through the pack, thus chilling the water before it returns to the tubing around the body. There will also be a very small pump attached that will facillitate the water movement.The main flow of water will be under the armpits, where nature agrees we need the most cooling. It will then split off to the front and back and work it's way down to the cooling station on the hip.

One problem of course will be leakage. How do you make it thin enough to exchange heat, while still making it thick enough to avoid being punctured easily? This is accomplished a couple of ways. First, A very thin material will be used on the interior side of the shirt to create the pockets the tubes will rest in. This will reduce the insulation between the tubing and the skin. Second, the tubing itself will actually be tubing inside of tubing, with a thicker tubing being wrapped around the thinner tubing, and gaps cut in the thick tubing on the side closest to the skin to protect it from outside damage while still being able to exchange heat.

Another difficulty lies in powering it. the fans and pump will draw a pretty good amount of electricity, so my first thought was some sort of piezioelectric power supply, that would take advantage of the movement of the wearer to help with power. In reality, however, that would probably only work in a limited number of applications, like the combat soldier or someone in athletics. So a small, rechargeable battery pack would also need to be included, perhaps on the other hip, so the wearer isn't as weighed down on one side.

Now, this has the potential to be unsightly. So it wouldn't be ideal for those in high profile positions, or in a meeting full of suits. But the policeman who's forced to wear a bulletproof vest would find a device like this quite useful. And the average man who wants to go for a run will feel like he's running on a breezy spring day, regardless of the conditions.

Those are a couple of my taglines for this product. Feel free to add your own. Of course, if you have any ideas of your own you feel like sharing, let me know and I'll be happy to put them up here.

It's Not That Bad

Okay, so since I don't want my weekly post to be my only post, I thought I should probably put something else on here. I don't know from where this sense of obligation springs. The beauty of an anonymous blog is the complete freedom to do or say whatever is on my mind, whenever it comes up. I guess there is some small part of me that hopes that a few people will start to read this, then a few more, then they'll all tell their friends and soon I'll have such a huge following that they'll be clamoring on local and national news syndicates to find out who this mystery man really is!

But that's just because, as I've said before, I have a much higher opinion of myself than I actually deserve. No no, don't try to argue. I'm not just fishing for compliments. I think of myself with these exalted terms, focusing only on the positive contributions I make to society, and ignoring all the rest of the idiotic things I do.

So when one of those facets of my life builds up to the point that somebody around me finally just says, "Dude, what's your problem?" Or better still, "What are you talking about? You're such a dork." Then I realize that I am in fact such a dork and that brings me back to earth for a little while.

But I'm sure my 2 readers didn't get on here to hear me complain. (I always like it when I can use homonyms in a sentence, like 'The maid made the bed' or 'The plane landed on the plain' or my favorite, 'I'll walk down the aisle in the church on the isle.') So instead, I thought I'd share some fun facts about myself. Don't worry, this isn't one of those narcissistic lists of my 25 greatest attributes. The fact that there are 25 of them is a complete coincidence.

1. I can touch my nose with my tongue. I'm not talking about the lame joke where you say, "I can stick out my tongue and touch my nose" and then proceed to stick out your tongue and touch your nose with your finger.

2. I can list, from memory, at least 4 combo meals from every single nationwide fast food chain in America. Except White Castle. Cuz I don't smoke drugs. This should probably disturb me more than it does.

3. I still remember the opening paragraph to the Gettysburg Address that I learned in 5th grade. The reason I still remember it is I have spent the last several years proving I still remember it to anyone willing to sit still long enough.

4. I still remember the Shakespeare I memorized to impress women, not realizing it was (at the time) the 20th century and most of the women I wanted to impress couldn't care less about Shakespeare. As I've already stated, I was a little unaware of how the world worked back then.

5. I have learned 2 phrases in 6 languages (I used to know more, but I have since forgotten them). Those 2 phrases are, in no particular order, "Do you speak (insert language)" and "A little, and badly". So that whatever language someone is speaking that I'm trying to pretend I know, I can always get at least a little chuckle and, have a good excuse for shrugging my shoulders at them when they begin their rapid-fire assault in their native tongue.

6. My first memory is when I was 2 1/2 and I was on a small fishing boat with about half a dozen other people. I was sucking on a grape tootsie pop that my Grandmother had given me and I accidentally dropped it overboard. My 4 year old brother, who had an orange one, threw his over too, just to keep things fair. Ain't brothers swell?

7. I can't remember the last time I was really sad. I just don't get sad. I think there's something wrong with me. I can remember my grandfather's funeral when I was 5 or 6, and I tried to be sad about it, because so many other people were crying and I felt guilty that I wasn't. But I got bupkiss.

8. I tailgate people all the time. Now, in my defense it's much more common in my part of the country than in others I've been too, so it's not as bad as if I did it where you live. The significance of this statement is I still get a little annoyed when people do it to me.

9. I don't really like infants. I love kids. I love playing with them, I love teaching them stuff, I love watching them grow, but I just can't get excited about infants. They don't ever do anything. More than that, they don't react to anything. At least, not with enough consistency that any sort of scientific study would call conclusive. I can't wait until my kid can actually talk and walk and all that stuff. Of course, I might look back at this in 20 years (if we're all still here, 2012 is coming) and kick myself for wishing she would hurry up and grow up already.

10. I occasionally catch myself reading fortune cookies and horoscopes and trying to fit their portents into the current or future events in my life, thereby lending them some kind of credence.

11. I'm such a snob. I used to like reading anything, watching any kind of movie, or watching just about anything on TV. Now I'm nothing but a critic. Which is funny, cuz I kinda look like the character Jon Lovitz played on that cartoon. Kind of, but not really. But I spend all my time saying 'That's so dumb' or 'I can't believe they made a movie about that' or 'who writes these commercials?'.

12. I've been training in CPR and First Aid for almost a decade now, but I'm fairly certain I could never bring myself to actually press my lips to some fat old guy going into cardiac arrest to save his life. Also, the idea of removing something jagged from where it punctured some guys side and bandaging him up creeps me out. Also, broken bones give me the willies. Arms are not supposed to just hang down like that halfway between the elbow and wrist. It's just wrong.

I'm just going to do half of them right now. I'll put the other half up later. If anybody even wants to read the other half. Anybody? Whatever.

What a Great Idea!

So I've read a bunch of weekly blog post themes, and I thought I'd give that a try as well. My idea for a weekly blog post is a weekly idea blog post. I have some ideas (some good, some not) on ways I could potentially improve certain deficiencies I see in the world around me. The only problem is that I am too lazy to make any effort toward implementing these changes. So I have decided to present them to the world to see if anyone else would be interested in implementing them.

My first post in this vein will be toward the TV advertising agencies of America. There is a big problem with people fast forwarding through your commercials, thanks to the invention of the DVR. Now I will admit to being a culprit of this particular crime myself, back when I had such technology available to me. But it is so easy to skip over the commercials now, that they have been rendered next to useless.

I suggest we harken back to a method of "commercial"ism that was used in days gone by. My idea is to use the actors for a particular show in the commercials aired during that show. Better still, to use the same sets as well. That way, when someone is fast forwarding, waiting to see their favorite program pop back on, they will be forced to pause more often and increase the amount of time they spend watching your commercials.

This would also help with the people who are as technologically defunct as I am, who simply leave the room when the commercials come on. They would also have no choice but to sit and watch since they wouldn't know, for a few seconds at least, if it was just a commercial or if the show had returned.

Of course there are numerous budgetary concerns for such an idea, what with the actors no doubt expecting more money than your average commercial actor would want, but these things could be included in their contract with the main show.

This isn't the most thrilling idea I've come up with, but it is one of the more fleshed out, thus bringing it to the top of the list. If you have any interesting ideas, or any suggestions about mine, feel free to let me know.