I have plenty of friends...

Another good one is, "I wasn't really in a clique in high school. I was friends with everybody." More like, "I was friends with my parents." Today I write about one of our greatest social morays. That is, our social Quasimodos.

Everybody knows one. Most people know several. They are the people that you "have" to spend time with, rather than the people you "want" to spend time with. That may be a gross over-generalization, but it more than includes those I am referring to.

Essentially, there are people in the world that somehow made it to the adolescent development of about 11 or 12 and decided it was far enough. They are the ones who just don't get it, whatever "it" is, although each and every one of them, despite any protests to the contrary, desperately want to.

How do I know? Because, I used to be one. (Dun dun duhhhhh)....(used to?) I grew up in the world of make believe those social midgets among us call acceptance. I believed I had plenty of friends, because television told me that it was normal for smart, well-adjusted, generally put-together young men to get picked-on and bullied mercilessly. Of course TV didn't say this was a daily, if not hourly, occurrence, but I was able to infer.

Also, the socially challenged (that's my last one, I promise), or SC's, create their environment. How is this accomplished? By carefully crafting the boundaries of their reality to only include those people who accept them and enjoy their company. For most of us, that only includes very close family. My own cousin was in the same class as me and a member of the "gang" of boys that tormented me throughout my early schooling.

Sure, I had friends. Two, to be exact. That was for the whole of elementary school and middle school. One of them was more socially awkward than me (only because he didn't care (no, I'm not contradicting what I said before, but he had far less concern for acceptance than I did. He was an exact duplicate of Napoleon Dynamite. Right down to the snow boots and Trapper Keeper. I'm not even joking)). The other one was probably the nicest guy I knew throughout that entire period of my life. He was just friends with everybody. Everyone liked him, without him being popular at all, if that makes any sense.

But I believed that I was accepted. I knew I wasn't cool, but people would talk to me (occasionally). The truth is I would talk incessantly. To anyone who would listen. All the time. We had a system of punishment in grade school that included talking in class(1/2 a mark), fighting (2 marks), being late to class (1mark), etc. I was almost expelled because I got so many marks for talking. That was it. Just talking. Mark after mark. When the expulsion review board met (I'm not even joking) the principal looked at my record of talking, looked at the teachers responsible, and said something to the effect of, "Maybe we should just challenge him more academically."

Because that's how we SC's fool ourselves. That's the Achilles Heel of any path to rehabilitation of anyone you know like this. We are good for something. And we cling to that like -ahem- a child clings to his blanket. That one thing we are gifted with, be it math skills, singing ability, bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills, whatever. That gets us attention, much the same way a freak show garners it's following. Those people have no interest in bringing home and/or hanging out with these abnormalities, but look at that one guy shove a nail up his nose. Isn't that cool!

So we think 'People think I'm cool' instead of 'People are only friends with me so I'll help them with their math homework'. And it's a nearly unbreakable cycle. Because the people willing to hurt our feelings to help us see the light (the bullies) are the same people whose voices are forgotten as the day is reviewed, and the ones we are willing to listen to (very close family) doesn't want to hurt our feelings/is an over-protective mother who sees nothing wrong with her baby spending all their time at home (not the case for me...at least I don't think so).

If you have one of these people in your life, I have a method of solution. How I was able to solve my own shortcomings and become a paranoid schizophrenic, certain of annoying someone around every turn. It's a simple process. It works for kids or adults (though a bit harder for adults). You just have to make them your friend. I felt each and every one of you cringe at the thought of that, but it's what has to be done.

And I don't mean the kind of "friend" where you say hi to them at the supermarket, and know a single fact about their lives that you constantly ask them the status of. I mean a 'invite them out with you to events or shopping and have them over for dinner' friend. Then, once you're close, you tell them everything they are doing wrong. Maybe not all at once. But casually mention how disgusted you are when people burp in public (sex neutral) or scratch themselves in public (mostly the guys) or don't use proper hygiene (unfortunately sex neutral).

Don't mention it just after the SC has done or said or acted out your pet peeve, but maybe after someone around the two of you has, or at random, or when you see it on TV. Your new friend will take that information to heart. They will seriously consider trying out a brand of deodorant (any brand will do), or over-hear you telling someone to go to the bathroom to make those kinds of noises and do just that. It's a long, arduous process (kind of like this post), but keep in mind, this person wants to be accepted. They may not realize what that entails, and the hours in front of the mirror a young woman has to spend to get ready (not 12 minutes) or the physical activity a guy has to maintain to remain fit (not reading and posting blogs), but if they work up to it, they will be grateful as they leave you in the dust for their new cooler friends. See, they turned around to wave. You didn't see it? Aww.