It's Not That Bad

Okay, so since I don't want my weekly post to be my only post, I thought I should probably put something else on here. I don't know from where this sense of obligation springs. The beauty of an anonymous blog is the complete freedom to do or say whatever is on my mind, whenever it comes up. I guess there is some small part of me that hopes that a few people will start to read this, then a few more, then they'll all tell their friends and soon I'll have such a huge following that they'll be clamoring on local and national news syndicates to find out who this mystery man really is!

But that's just because, as I've said before, I have a much higher opinion of myself than I actually deserve. No no, don't try to argue. I'm not just fishing for compliments. I think of myself with these exalted terms, focusing only on the positive contributions I make to society, and ignoring all the rest of the idiotic things I do.

So when one of those facets of my life builds up to the point that somebody around me finally just says, "Dude, what's your problem?" Or better still, "What are you talking about? You're such a dork." Then I realize that I am in fact such a dork and that brings me back to earth for a little while.

But I'm sure my 2 readers didn't get on here to hear me complain. (I always like it when I can use homonyms in a sentence, like 'The maid made the bed' or 'The plane landed on the plain' or my favorite, 'I'll walk down the aisle in the church on the isle.') So instead, I thought I'd share some fun facts about myself. Don't worry, this isn't one of those narcissistic lists of my 25 greatest attributes. The fact that there are 25 of them is a complete coincidence.

1. I can touch my nose with my tongue. I'm not talking about the lame joke where you say, "I can stick out my tongue and touch my nose" and then proceed to stick out your tongue and touch your nose with your finger.

2. I can list, from memory, at least 4 combo meals from every single nationwide fast food chain in America. Except White Castle. Cuz I don't smoke drugs. This should probably disturb me more than it does.

3. I still remember the opening paragraph to the Gettysburg Address that I learned in 5th grade. The reason I still remember it is I have spent the last several years proving I still remember it to anyone willing to sit still long enough.

4. I still remember the Shakespeare I memorized to impress women, not realizing it was (at the time) the 20th century and most of the women I wanted to impress couldn't care less about Shakespeare. As I've already stated, I was a little unaware of how the world worked back then.

5. I have learned 2 phrases in 6 languages (I used to know more, but I have since forgotten them). Those 2 phrases are, in no particular order, "Do you speak (insert language)" and "A little, and badly". So that whatever language someone is speaking that I'm trying to pretend I know, I can always get at least a little chuckle and, have a good excuse for shrugging my shoulders at them when they begin their rapid-fire assault in their native tongue.

6. My first memory is when I was 2 1/2 and I was on a small fishing boat with about half a dozen other people. I was sucking on a grape tootsie pop that my Grandmother had given me and I accidentally dropped it overboard. My 4 year old brother, who had an orange one, threw his over too, just to keep things fair. Ain't brothers swell?

7. I can't remember the last time I was really sad. I just don't get sad. I think there's something wrong with me. I can remember my grandfather's funeral when I was 5 or 6, and I tried to be sad about it, because so many other people were crying and I felt guilty that I wasn't. But I got bupkiss.

8. I tailgate people all the time. Now, in my defense it's much more common in my part of the country than in others I've been too, so it's not as bad as if I did it where you live. The significance of this statement is I still get a little annoyed when people do it to me.

9. I don't really like infants. I love kids. I love playing with them, I love teaching them stuff, I love watching them grow, but I just can't get excited about infants. They don't ever do anything. More than that, they don't react to anything. At least, not with enough consistency that any sort of scientific study would call conclusive. I can't wait until my kid can actually talk and walk and all that stuff. Of course, I might look back at this in 20 years (if we're all still here, 2012 is coming) and kick myself for wishing she would hurry up and grow up already.

10. I occasionally catch myself reading fortune cookies and horoscopes and trying to fit their portents into the current or future events in my life, thereby lending them some kind of credence.

11. I'm such a snob. I used to like reading anything, watching any kind of movie, or watching just about anything on TV. Now I'm nothing but a critic. Which is funny, cuz I kinda look like the character Jon Lovitz played on that cartoon. Kind of, but not really. But I spend all my time saying 'That's so dumb' or 'I can't believe they made a movie about that' or 'who writes these commercials?'.

12. I've been training in CPR and First Aid for almost a decade now, but I'm fairly certain I could never bring myself to actually press my lips to some fat old guy going into cardiac arrest to save his life. Also, the idea of removing something jagged from where it punctured some guys side and bandaging him up creeps me out. Also, broken bones give me the willies. Arms are not supposed to just hang down like that halfway between the elbow and wrist. It's just wrong.

I'm just going to do half of them right now. I'll put the other half up later. If anybody even wants to read the other half. Anybody? Whatever.